days of not really thinking

these are the days of not really thinking, the lull between the end of practicum and NIE and the start of actual, proper, respectably-employed adulthood. he's done with school, and waiting for NS too, so we're in this rather precious limbo together.

the time away in malaysia was good, i think - i had time to calm down and sort my feelings out and give the obsessive planner in me a good, long, hard thrashing until it died (or at least shut up for now), and now, i'm trying my best to wake up every morning, murmur a prayer of heartfelt gratitude, and try not to let the humdrumness of every day life get to me. sometimes it feels like i haven't even started, and i'm so tired already. (frank says the 'cathartic release of funds' helps in times like these, but even then... naaah, not really - not to say I haven't tried :P) Oh yah and jaded is when you take not a SINGLE photograph (of either beautiful scenery or yappy, enthusiastic students who love you) on a week-long trip away. I don't know - I guess I'm just so used to saying bye, to forgetting and being forgotten, that none of it seems to matter very much to me any more.

i've been posted back to dunman high to teach geog, as expected (and as i'd convinced myself that i wanted, some time back). When MK texted me the news i felt neither relieved nor elated. I simply looked around at the other teachers surrounding me at the dinner table and thought, 'Shit, I have to try to get along with these people now.' All the time i'd been with my colleagues - every single non-funny joke i've forced myself to laugh at - i'd convinced myself that it was ok, it doesnt matter that we don't really get on, i may be moving on somewhere else! and if only there were more English and E Lit teachers on this trip i'd be feeling a whole lot better. Now that the truth is out - that there is no elsewhere for me, for the next two years at least - I feel oddly deflated, and slightly stressed :( Poo.