In which leah ploughs manfully through the straits times in search of news

"News is stuff that somebody, somewhere doesn't want you to write. The rest
is just advertising."

Someone - a Singaporean - told me recently that she doesn't read the Straits Times (henceforth the ST) at all. I read it sporadically, usually with amusement but more often with ire, exasperation and occasionally sheer disbelief. Today I decided to go through the papers properly, systematically, for once and see what I come up with. (May also save you lot the trouble of having to go through the ST and deciding if it's worth your time - see how much I love? *pats own back and looks all martyr-like*)

So here we go -

A run-down of the headlines of today's Sunday Times, divided up according to their original headings:

So don't blame me if they sound stupid (orh, wait, nowadays they say teachers can only scold the chewren 'silly', not stupid, so I take it back), I mean, silly. Spelling and grammatical errors are as likely due to typos arising from heartbreak (Brazil, you heartless ass) and inebriation as well as the straits times', er, "silliness". Hey, here's a thought, if I use words equivalent to 'stupid' but are incomprehensible to most people (especially parents and school higher-ups and the MOE people), like daft, inane, asinine, insipid, vacuous etc etc , do you think I'd get away with it?


NEWS
Haaaaaaaaaaaah.
- Top of the news: MM: Changi Airport must keep growing
Look, the ST is making it damn hard for me to stay all objective and investigative (without much giggling and rolling of eyes, that is).
- Double murder: From shared home to gory crime scene
2 full pages of coverage! Befitting the most tabloidy, lurid and sensationalisd publication! Tsk, those terrible angmohs and, oh, all that crime and debauchery. So bad. No asian values, that's why.
-Battlefield Joo Chiat: Part II
Tsk, those terrible vietnamese prostitutes are invading our squeaky clean heartlands! Yada yada Joo Chiat PAP MP Chan Soo Sen yada yada leadership yada yada action plan yada yada solution yada yada confident yada yada.
- Smoking areas hard to spot
I find it hard to summon up any kind of reaction to this article. Except that it reminds me of an "the Onion" article which struck a raw nerve with me. If I remember right it was written in the aftermath of September 11, and it was something along the lines of 'A shattered nation longs to go back to caring about stupid shit like Britney Spears and Janet Jackson again'. Sometimes I wonder if that's what it's all about. Someone said to me - and I completely concur - "Singapore's curse is that everything works." Oh, true on SO many levels.
- $2.2m to promote Malay Language
Shhh. Concentrated intergenerational poverty what? disenfranchisement what? Social safety nets what?? Shhh.
- They came out tops in SAF - thanks to hard work, creativity
Zzzzzz.
- Just three planes on the tarmac on Changi's first night
Smug, self congratulatory old chinese men clinking champagne flutes. Zzzzz.
- A helping hand for those left behind in suicide cases
"For every person who commits suicide, at least five other people will suffer. The grief... they feel is overwhelming even as they struggle to come to terms with the suicide of their loved ones.... National Development Minister Mah Bow Tan said there was an urgent need to reach out to them."

Wah, no shit man.
Ah durrrrrh. But it's a good thing that suicide is in the news, I guess. Yet.. can you not tell me something more intelligent and vaguely informative? PLEASE?
-They'll do anything for football
Vaguely amusing. But does this have to be national news??
- Just 3 mins to get on or off a wheelchair-friendly bus
Might as well be an SMRT ad. Everything is hunky dory, as usual. Bus captains LOVE the extra work they have to do because there is nothing more joyous than more more more overworking and underpayment. Oh and by the way, as of now, all of TEN new buses have these wheelchair-friendly ramps. They aim to fit all buses with them when? 2023. Fantastic.
- Nabbed after friend's death-fall
See terrible foreigners, above.
- Indian national charged with attempted murder
As above. This is getting boring.
- Saving CPL Shalit: Why Israel is willing to risk war over a lowly corporal
So-so. Of course, only the international news has any meat to it. God forbid the home news section be anything like that.
- All shook up over visit to Graceland
Koizumi! Bush! Elvis! Good friends! Do we need to devote the better part of a page on this, really?
- Mediator for Mahathir-Abdullah rift
See, that crazy Mahathir. Say he won't come back and kachiau people he never keep promise. Now, the key is to never make that promise.
Battle of the old crazies who just will not die and go away: Singapore 1, Malaysia 0.
- All aboard the high Tibet Express
"China has said the railway could double tourism and slash transport costs to Tibet over coming years. But critics fear the railway will spur an influx of tourists and migrants who will erode Tibet's cultural identity."

I suppose I should be glad that the 'critics' even got a line in. But.. erosion of 'cultural identity' (ya, string two immensely complex portmanteau words together to form a meaningless phrase, sure) - that's it? How about the long and complicated history between Lhasa and Beijing? The role of the British? I'm not saying it can or should be covered in an article like this, but is it too much to ask for at least an indication of it?

- Thaksin back on radio despite opposition outcry
- 66 killed in car bomb attack in Baghdad's Shi'ite area
- U.S. Doctors' warning: Don't pass the salt
- U.S. still hopeful about trade talks despite impasse
- Ramos-Horta will be Timor's interim PM

INVEST
Zzzzzzzz. I got no money.
- Nailing down that home loan
Still teaching all the heavily leveraged Singaporeans to get into more debt? Well done, folks.
- Your personal adviser: How do I recover $30,000 from a dead debtor?
Good question. I've always wanted to know that.

PROPERTY
- Buyers flock to new mid-priced projects
- Civil servant uses colour to create classy look for living room
Yes, I regret to inform you that this article is every bit as excruciatingly stupid - oops, silly. my bad - as the title suggests.
- Must read: Tips for single women buying their own pad
This may be the single most subversive article in the whole of the ST *gasp*
- Me & My Money: Her college mate is her financial consultant
So, so bizarre.

THINK
You mean everything else in the paper doesn't require any brain activity? Got it.
Thanks for even telling me when, and what, to think (even though you won't feed me when I'm old, chuck me into dentention centres when I am homeless, don't care that I can't afford increasing healthcare costs etc etc.) Such a good deal, really.
- A US$31bn gift between friends
Edited transcript from press conference. Some pithy quotes, but doesn't really say as much as it could.
- Will a S'pore Bill Gates please stand up?
I eagerly await that day... but honestly, we suck. All the stuff about how our 'culture' is supposedly different from more giving societies doesn't exonerate us at all. We don't care for the poor and weak. It's a meritocracy, right?
- Taxi fare hike poser
I actually really like this article. Good that someone is speaking up for taxi drivers and pointing the finger at evil bloodsuckers like ComfortDelcro.
- Tut-tut, tut-ting goodbye
"World Cup fever has transformed rules-bound Germans into charming hosts"
Again, is this news-worthy? And why is this under the supposedly more cerebral section of the paper? Stereotypes, stereotypes, stereotypes.
- The Unusual Suspect
Long article about the soon-to-be-ex PM of Timor-Leste, Mari Alkatiri. More matter, less art, I say.

Two more sections on the world cup, and 'Click' (techie stuff), and then finally, the end is nigh:

TALK
- The email interview: film-maker Royston Tan
"Who says I'm a trouble-maker?"
Er, Parliament, maybe? I saw 15 - uncut, natch - and personally think Royston's a fascinating character. The interview doesn't do him or his work justice. But at least he's featured. Hey, we take what we get, right?

Phew. That was HARD work. I'm off to bed.. can't take too much thinking, this poor old brain of mine :) Oh wait, the conclusion of the matter -

I still think I am perhaps 80% justified in calling the ST The State's Times.